Done for now....

Since we are self pay for these treatments we are piled up with bills which means we are stopping treatments. I am so heartbroken over it but i know it’s for the best. 

On another note my friend whom is pregnant with twins is due this October i am so excited and happy for her she has been struggling with infertility for along time and even lost a baby she has had so many struggles trying to bring these babies here. I also have another friend who is also pregnant and due about the same time who has also lost babies but i am not happy for her infact i am jealous. I wish i didn’t feel this way but i do and we have been friends since 1st grade i should be so happy for her. She lost a husband, several miscarriages and now married and a step mom to 4 little girls, and now pregnant with a boy. Why am i so jealous? Why can’t i be happy for her like i am for my other friend? I feel so horrible!

I just want my second baby,  i want to be pregnant, i want my little boy to have a sibling. Why can’t it be me!

Grief

May 3, 2018 It’s my husbands birthday he turned 28 and oh how i love him so much! He is my rock through this process. Today his bday didn’t go so well i tried to be happy i did after all it’s what he wanted but my grieving took over. You see i wasn’t supposed to take a pregnancy test not until may 5, 2018 but today my period came even that small little hope was gone and grief took over.

Infertility Grief is every month and you go through the five stages of grief every month, even on  special days because sometimes you just can’t hold it all together!

So your probably wandering what I mean by infertility grief. But first it’s not like loosing a house. Every time i tell someone I’m sad or grieving they always tell me...“it’s just like loosing a house.” It’s not it’s loosing more! Loosing someone that you loved but couldn’t hold, its pain of possibly knowing that you may never be able to give birth and hold a sweet beautiful baby in your arms. Your endlessly crying, angry, denying your self, you bargain. Than you pick up your self again and start over.

Before our miracle baby I was feeling all of the 5 stages of grief. It was time for a family baptism, I knew i needed to go i tried so hard pulling my self together, but when your the only one in your family going through this, family functions are really hard to go to. Anyways i ended up holding my sweet beautiful nephew and all the emotions just took over and i cried while holding him. Just like today out of all days I was playing with my sweet boy wen all emotions took over and my thoughts were of him not having a sibling to fight with, to wrestle with, or even to play with.


I am so sorry today wasn’t a good birthday and i am so sorry for that! I know you are grieving in your own way. I love you so so much!

April 2018

April has been one crazy month! iI have had three ultrasounds, plus taking clomid and famera all in one month! The first ultrasound they triggered my period to start and oh boy did that suck! I had a cyst that was huge and full of estrogen so we didn’t start treatment or anything. Than a week later my normal period started so i had another ultrasound and the cyst was gone so we started clomid and famera. I had five pills of clomid and fifteen of famera my mood swings were crazy! Now on April 13, 2018 my last ultrasound this month the follicle ultrasound they found a follicle 16 cm starting on April 15, 2018 My wonderful husband gives me a trigger shot to help that one little egg become a baby! I’m so excited on how quickly all of this has gone by I’m really hoping it all works out and that    this is it! We still have no answers to why i have to do these treatments with every baby but I’m just so happy that i have found the right and best doctors! I am 1 of 5 and that is okay because if these don’t work i at least have my one boy and I so grateful for him!

New Dr. = Answers

Yesterday March 6, 2018 (yes we are now doing dates because dates are important with infertility treatments.) We went to Reproductive Clinic of Utah. The Dr. was amazing and super nice. With out major testing he got us on a game plan of where to start. I’m so overly joyed but yet overwhelmed. What if the plan doesn’t work than what? I’m also over joyed, because now i can finally know why i can’t get pregnant so easily. Also hopefully get pregnant quicker compared to the struggle we had with Theodore.

Plan....
      Start my period.....Ugh yup forced periods which means the doc. Gives me pills that forces me to have a period....Sorry for TMIs but you have just walked into a door of how infertility goes.

Step two ultrasounds of my body and if everything is functioning alright.

Step 3 pills. Why pills you say, will because they are hormonal pills. They make your emotions go nuts just so your body can easily drop that egg, that one tiny little egg just so you can finally be at step 4.

Step four hopefully baby time! If not we repeat step 3 but no pills instead of shots. The shots you give to your self they are another hormonal supplement to boost your ovulation and to help drop that egg again...TMI again but like i said you just opened the door to infertility so you know what the process is like and how heart breaking this is.

I’m so ready on this roller coaster again but yet also to be able to have answers!

Here we go again!

On September 22, 2015 Theodore was born, it was such a great experience! I truly never thought that i would be the one in this position, and to have so many feelings going all at once! It was a beautiful day!...
           Fast forward to 6 months later, and the thought of us having another sweet baby never left our minds. So long story short we started trying and than it just got hard again specially after taking Clomid than Leterzole, it all felt like i was at the beginning of it all! The words that people would say hurt just like months before.....“ Will at least you have one.” “It’s always easier the second time around.”   And my favorite “Enjoy the one you have now.” Seriously! During this time i was and is suffering from PPD (Postpartum Depression) so everything that everyone would say just hurt me so much more. I never got a chance to have a true bond with Theo that everyone keeps talking about even now we don’t have the greatest bond. I know what everyone is thinking, while reading this. Is why don’t you just focus on building that bond than start having another one? Unfortunately it’s not that easy. I wish it was i wish everything went so smoothly on day one but it didn’t. That’s okay tho life isn’t always as planned. Life is like cooking eggs you want the middle to be perfect but instead it’s all runny and not fully cooked.